As I grow up, I learn that life isn’t exactly like what I had imagined before, to be exact, to be an adult. It’s scary and so complicated. LIke most other kids when they see adults, they just really wish to grow up soon but now I really wish I could stay as a kid and never grow up. 

As I grow up, I give up a lot of things which I really hate. The pain is so extreme sometimes. I don’t understand why does this have to be this way. Everyone that I care, I love, I wanna be with always leaves and nowhere to be found. At least they should have told me what did I do so I won’t make the same mistake again.

I just wanna be happy like a kid again. I just wanna be happy with what I have right now. Growing up is just awful.

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:” What can I do to change your mind?” Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : “Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?” He said :” I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes….

My dear, “I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..” This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. “When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face…

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. ” My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… and as I continue on reading…

“Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk…

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread…. Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone…

That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments…

Sometimes I wish I can get what is not mine because I couldn’t get hold onto something I have had before. I always give up in the end because things are not getting better. I could always try to fake a smile every time but how is it going to last when the wind blows are getting stronger than before? 

I just couldn’t stop asking why is everyone and everything trying to stop me from getting what I want? Each time I hear those sentences came out from those people’s mouth, I’m getting sick, I feel like puking right in front of them and scream as loud as I can. 

I’m not incredibly chuffed with my life but at least I know that everything almost settled down. Not everything though but most of it even though most of it are not according to what I want but life is about ‘not getting what you want’, isn’t it? I wish the tears could swipe away the rest of the sadness or whatsoever which makes it imperfect. I’m so tired that I could barely wake up in the morning. Perhaps sometimes I just want to stay in bed all the time and be relaxed without worries, stress or anything related to negative things. It’s just awful. 

I have seen the part of life which is very, very unfair way too much. It’s making me really sick even to just looking at it for a minute. I wanna have a massive magic eraser and erase everything. I’m not sure since when did I start to realise that things are pretty unfair in this world but I know that if I were to look back to the past, I know I want to be a kid again. All dreamy and of course, different kind of stress which I think I would prefer that kind of stress rather than the stress I am feeling right now. 

I guess, most of the people in the world are unhappy with their life at some point but some can get what they want and some just keep complaining about everything because they have no choice but to stay in their whatever-unhappy-life. I guess, I’m one of the group of people who are complaining everyday, without fail, about their whatever-unhappy-life. 

For years and years, I have been screaming and crying to fight for what I want but it seems other people are just stronger than I am despite how strong, stubborn, selfish, irritating, grumpy I am when it comes to what I want. In the end, they tied me up and I gotta stay. I have decided to just keep quiet. All along, I have been observing people around me.. It seems to me that they really adore making promises. Empty promises, I should say and I guess, this is normal for some people and definitely not me!

Maybe I should really give up about everything. Give up asking and begging for everything that’s clearly can’t be granted because this unfairness events that’s currently happening in the world. But maybe just one thing before everything ends. I hope some people could just appreciate the hard work that I’ve done. That’s all.

Maybe it’s better when they don’t say anything else because the more words came out from their mouth, the more painful it is for me. I am a little bit awkward when I am talking to them and that’s the reason why sometimes it sounds like I am joking when I am seriously not joking. Maybe people are just being less sensitive nowadays. 

And I have also learnt that the more you speak, the less reliable your words to them. Maybe I wasn’t suppose to say anything when I was hurt or even trying to impress them by showing my passion about something because in the end they will just finding faults about everything and I’ll never win the arguments and makes me hurt. 

I don’t know what makes me to be this way. Sometimes I hate myself because I could always point out where everything has gone wrong but refuses to put it at a right place again. Therefore, instead of wishing they didn’t exist in my life, I should perhaps wishing I didn’t exist in their life. I wanna hide and never be found ever again.

It actually make me think why do I even have to live in the first place? 

x

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him.

“I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”

Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?”

God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”

“You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.”

I was checking my Aunt’s facebook profile and I saw her son posted on her wall, telling her that he was going home late that day and my Aunt told him to be careful on the way home and the same goes for the next day, her son, well, my cousin told her that he was going to be late again, same thing, my Aunt said be careful on the way and she prepared a nice meal at home. 

This make me feel pathetic. I was away from home since I was 12. I started to live away from my parents since then. Pretty sad actually and it’s something that I don’t wanna let my children in the future, if I ever have children, to experience. I don’t have to tell my parents when I’m running late to home, I don’t have a home-cooked meal prepared by my Mum when I get home from school, I don’t have a nice outting day during the weekend with my family, except when it’s holiday and I was in my hometown, nobody will tell you to sleep because it’s late, nobody wakes you up because it’s so late in the afternoon. 

Of course, it’s not that I want this situation when I’m 18 but I mean, now that I look back, I wish I could experience this when I was in secondary school or should I say my teenage years. I’m not sure if I’m counted as teenager at this age but when I was young, I keep thinking 18 is considered an adult. In secondary years, I spent most morning rushing to school without breakfast but it seems normal to some people, for me it’s not and I have no choice but to skip because I was to bloody lazy.. :/

I have always feel that I left home too early. It’s not that my parents didn’t give the attention, love or whatever.. They do, they really do. It just that distance makes everything different. I think I hate my life even more because of this. Anyway, it’s been 6 years since I live on my own. Well, let’s say 5 because the first year I was living in a hostel and there were services provided and I’m still, sometimes, not used to the idea of being alone. Totally not something I want to brag about to other that I am independent or anything. I always think it’s kinda pathetic. 

I just want to rewind back the time and make me stay in hometown and not going any where, especially this crappy place. But let’s just be thankful for a moment. I’ve learnt a lot which I think I wouldn’t be able to learn if I were to stay in Indonesia. *trying-to-make-myself-happy* Sigh. 

I know, I know maybe some people wants to slap me on the face and say I should be feeling lucky to have the chance to actually studying oversea. Again, I didn’t say that studying away from your hometown is a bad thing, you get more experience, learn more things, and some other good points but I was saying that just hoping that I wouldn’t go so early because everytime I see a 12 years old kid, I always think they are sooooooo young and I just can’t imagine how did I survive being away from home at such a young age. 

I can’t believe I actually crying while writing this.

x

Oh yes, not because I am going to chop off my hair but because of the bloody exam. I am not a fan of Maths and I am not good at it however, I tried my best to rock this exam and hell yeah, I didn’t. Well, I didn’t know yet. So far, the paper was hard enough to make cry! Damn, there was one question that I clearly don’t understand and a few question that was BLANK! 2 questions it was I think. I hope I can still pass this exam! I am so worried last night that I couldn’t sleep.

But with the practice I did before the exam and see my improvements from before, I am somehow quite confident with the answers. I was really hoping that I could at least just pass my exam, really. Just pass is enough. I don’t wanna stay here all the time. OMG. It’s like a nightmare for me. 

There’s still paper tomorrow, again, it’s still Maths and it’s going to be harder this time so I better get my arse studying and not wandering around Tumblr, YouTube, Facebook or any other website for watching movies. :D 

x